Not too long ago, I sat in my car for about 3 hours, bawling my eyes out. I wasn’t planning on going home that night. All I could think about was how exhausted I was; single mom of 3; full time career in a high pressure environment; bills higher than my paychecks; stress larger than my strength. I was tired of being strong for everyone else. I was tired of painting on a smile. I was tired of teaching my kids that they could do ANYTHING through Christ, yet I felt like I was capable of nothing. Though I would never tell anyone any of this; I just continued to smile and coast through each day.
I wasn’t planning on going home that night, because I no longer felt I could paint on a smile amd pretend to be well. I couldn’t think of one reason my kids needed me, because I was a disaster. I was bitter over trying over and over, and over, and never feeling like I was good enough. My heart was breaking. I wasn’t planning on going home that night; but I was planning the best way to end my life, to make sure I ended it, and couldn’t survive my efforts.
As my mind was exploding, I turned on the radio. It was programmed to Life 102.5, and the song was “Even If”. I happened to turn on the radio on the exact second of the first note of the song. I had heard it a dozen times, but that night, I listened. I had this overwhelming surge of strength move through me, and I continued to listen. When it was done, I put my car into drive, and went home.
That song saved my life that night. That song left my kids with a mother. That song gave me the strength to get help. I’m seeking Christian counseling now, and looking forward to saying “it is well with my soul”.
Thank you. Thank you for being there in my hopeless moments.