Six years ago, I moved my 5 year-old daughter and I out of the house we lived in with my then husband. My husband had a drinking problem and refused to admit it and receive help. Our household was becoming a dangerous place to be and for the sake of my daughter and I, we moved out. For years I had prayed that God would help my husband and our marriage. He didn’t. I prayed that God would use us moving out as a wake up call for my husband to make a change. He didn’t. I was angry and hurt and I was broken. Music was a huge part of my worship life. But I couldn’t worship anymore. I couldn’t sing. I would go to church and as others sang worship songs around me, I just cried. I stopped listening to 102.5. I was so broken and so ashamed that my marriage was ending. That wasn’t what I had planned for my life, but I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t fix it. Months later, one night driving home I decided to turn the radio back to 102.5. Francesca Battistelli’s “Beautiful, Beautiful” was playing.
“Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark–suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need; You are so
I was hearing the words from my favorite worship song and God shattered my heart in that moment. I was driving by my church at that moment. I pulled into the parking lot and I wept. I asked God to forgive me for not worshiping Him, for shutting Him out. And I thanked Him for loving me so much that He was still pursuing me, even when I had shut Him out. And that He would use this song to draw me back to Him. I wept and I wept and I poured out my soul to God. That night as I left the church parking lot, I felt so light and free and so full of Joy that my Savior loved me, and it didn’t matter that my marriage was failing. HE loved me. It was then that I realized my life had become dark. That shutting out the Lord had only caused more darkness to surround me. Driving home, I was full of God’s light and hope again, and I pray that no circumstance in my life ever keeps me from His light again. Praise God, You are so Beautiful!